Forgiving Myself

He has been gone for nearly a month now. It has truly been a relief to not have the chaos and drama anymore. My heart still hurts. But I now realize that the man I loved did not actually exist.

You know, he told me he used when we first started dating. He told me that he was functional and it didn’t interfere with anything so I decided to accept it. However, I had zero idea that he was addicted or how badly he was addicted. On top of that, I had absolutely no idea how deeply seeded his issues really are.

When I did start seeing the red flags, I overlooked them. I overlooked them because I thought that may be loving somebody enough could help them overcome anything. With this, I allowed chaos to ensue in my home, with my family, with my entire life.

I allowed this man to lie to me. I allowed this man to treat me badly. I allowed him to verbally abuse me. I allowed him to drag me down. I allowed him in my home, in my life, in my family. I allowed him to stomp all over my self-esteem, tearing me down until there was nothing left, and then desert me.  Then I allowed him to come back and do it all over again. I allowed him to tear me apart to the point to where my children saw me break.

Not anymore.

Unfortunately, I realize now that I actually have no idea who the man that laid next to me actually was. I realize now that I was a complete fool and I allowed him to fool me.

There are so many reasons I started in this and so many reasons I stayed. All of those reasons are really hard to forgive myself for. I shouldn’t have let him in with my family like I did and I should have never let him treat me like I did. That is not the person that I am but somehow I allowed it.

I have to forgive myself because I still miss him sometimes. Well, the little bit of good him that may have actually been there in. I also have to forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was so horrible to me, someone who I allowed to devastate me.

I have to forgive myself for finally letting my walls down to the wrong person. I have to forgive myself for finally committing to someone who didn’t deserve my walls to come down much less a commitment from me. 

I need to forgive myself for allowing him to break my heart.

The Swap 

The thing with any addict is that they will lie incessantly to cover up what they are doing. So no matter how many times he tells me he is not using again, I simply do not believe him. His pupils are dilated, he still has that weird crazy look on his face, exaggerated walck, lots of energy, and of course he’s back to questioning my every move.

So as we have chatted this evening to see if we can come to any kind of resolution on saving our relationship, I told him the first step for me would be for him to take a drug test. So he goes to the store and comes back with said drug test.

He walks into the room with a box opened and starts opening and internal package. So I start looking at the box and see that it is a 4-panel test. I hold my hand out for him to hand me what he has just opened. 

It is the test cap.

However, this test cap only has one test area instead of 4 as shown on the box. So I asked him why this one only has one. He says “I don’t know, just the way it is.” He then grabs the instructions and starts to reading. Upon closer look of the cap, I see the single test is for THC.

I asked him if he thought you and switched the tests out. Of course his answer is no. So I asked him if he still has the receipt because if it were me, I would want my money back if they gave me the wrong test.

He says he will return it and come back this evening with an actual 4-panel test. I guess we will see what sort of trickery is up his sleeve next.

He is so on edge about this. He just called me and wants to know what it is I’m going to do to improve myself. He says he feels like everything is one-sided and we’re only focusing on him so I need to come up with things to improve myself, things to become a better person such as controlling my anger and fixing my bad attitude. We are to discuss my plan when he comes back in this evening. 

Deflection anyone?

Again

Have you ever thought that something was hopeless? Have you ever thought yourself a fool? Or even worse, have you ever thought that someone you love is lost just something that you cannot pull them back from?

That’s what meth addiction does. 

It allows the addict to take a hiatus, thinking that maybe they have broken free from this demon. Until one day, this person that you love so much comes home and is no longer the person you know but the a****** he previously had to deal with. He swears, of course, that he is not using. But every fiber in your being tells you that he is lying.

His whole demeanor has changed. He doesn’t even look the same, walk the same. It’s like he has been possessed and it’s a whole different person. You try to talk to him about it. Unfortunately, he denies everything.

He doesn’t sleep that night. Apparently, in his mind that is okay. He doesn’t seem to understand that normal people don’t stay up for 24, 48, 36 hours at a time. 

He blames me. He claims the antidepressants that he is on are because I forced him to go on them. He claims that because the doctor has switched his antidepressant, he now has changed. However, I have been on anti-depressants myself. I know what they do to you. I’ve also seen what meth does to you. This is not due to the antidepressants.

So I had two of my three kids in here with us tonight. He has been off-kilter for almost a week now. My son was chatting with us. I got up to go to the restroom and accidentally booty bumped my son. It was no big deal really, just an accident.

Somehow, he heard that I had been scratched up at a lake from my son and then thought I kicked my son as I was going to the restroom – kicked him because “he was saying something I didn’t want him to say”. 

To backtrack a little, my youngest one dislocated and broke her arm this week. So any extra time I have had has been spent with her. It has either been with her at the house, at the emergency room, at the hospital, at the orthopedic, or in surgery. Somehow, in his meth-induced illusions, I have time in all of this to hang out with a bunch of guys at a lake. There are apparently bite-marks above my boobs (which I cannot see). 

He would not believe my son when he asked him, interrogated him, about it. He claims that I am just asking my kids to lie for me. I tried to talk to him but he refuses to listen to any kind of reasoning. He insisted on interrogating my son. So I told him to leave.

I wish someone could explain to me why my love is not enough for him to actually quit. I was willing to work through this with him, stand by him through this, regardless of the hell he is put me through! All he had to do is be honest with me. But when I knew he had relapsed and asked him about it, he has done nothing but lie the entire time. Even tonight, when his eyes were dilated, bright red, he was doing his strange walk with his crazy eyes and constantly looking around, he still refused to admit that he was still using ( or head going back to using.)

He had been doing so good. I know, most of you are probably thinking that he was probably using this whole time but there is a difference in personality when sober. We started having major problems over the last week because of his personality changes. It wasn’t like a mood change because of stress. It was very distinctive. I knew he had succumbed to the demon.

Now he has left and I can never let him return again. I am heartbroken and devastated that I cannot allow that to be a part of my life, or more importantly, a part of my children’s life. This man that I am sure I was supposed to be with finds his love of meth more important than his love for me.

Just a Fool

Great, he sleeps peacefully even though I’ve sent him a link to this blog. That’s right, my completely Anonymous blog is now absolutely open to him.

“Why did you do it?” Some might ask.

Honestly, it was in a moment of anger & hurt. I sent him the link to this blog because I am so hurt, upset, and devastated buy the lies that he tells people about me and our relationship. I just wanted him to see that regardless of what he is fabricated in his mind, that I am not the devil or the devil sister. I am actually the person who has tried her best stand beside him.

Unfortunately, due to the lack of response since I have sent the link, I am certain that he has not been curious enough to even see what I had to say. Hell, why should he be? He has the woman he claims to not have any feelings for sharing a bedroom with him while he sleeps on the floor,the woman who is believing everything he is telling her, regardless of how big the LIE is.

She called me a b**** tonight simply because I called him to confront him on why he lied about how often he was seeing her. Apparently, she didn’t see there was a problem in him lying to me about it week end and week out of our relationship.

So maybe he’s finally getting what he actually wants. Perhaps they are able to comfort each other tonight. If that is the case, I’m certain it is a dream come true for him. Why else would you allow another person to call the woman you supposedly love a b**** for no apparent reason.

Yeah, I’m aware that I’m Just a Fool. I foolishly believed in a man who I thought was so much more than he actually is. I saw in this man someone great. I thought this man who had suffered as much if not more than I had a way more pure Spirit than you actually has.

It turns out that I should be way more cynical in my life. Men are probably not ever who they claim to be. They may tell you they love you. You may feel they will love and protect you forever. It’s all just a lie.

I thought I was a better judge of character than I actually am. I would have bet millions of dollars that I do not have that this man I agreed to marry was a good man. We work together. I have told my company that he is a good man. I have defended him Against All Odds. But for what?

I have subcontractors who refused to look me in the eyes anymore due to the lies he is told them. However, I still try to maintain a certain level of professionalism as well as Humanity and not discussing the main issues here. I actually don’t discuss any of the issues.

He is effectively trying to do everything you can to ruin my relationship and my reputation and my industry. The unfortunate fact is that I have done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve this kind of bullying. On the same token, anyone who knows much about me at all and knows that I don’t date just a date, I’m a very difficult person to get in touch with on a personal level, when I do let you win you should treasure that.

While I feel I am definitely a full and all of this, I’m not the only fool. He is such a fool to let me go. My boss mentioned to me the other day something about my self-worth. He wanted me to remember just how much myself out you was. Sometimes when you’re hurting you can forget that.

The fact is, as much as I may hate my boss sometimes, he made a very valid point. I am worth much more than I have allowed this man to make me feel. I hope to God I can pull myself out of the depression that comes way too easy for me and is compounded by the drama that I have allowed this man to bring into my life.

Well I am just another fully believed in your life, I also know that I tried. I gave my all to you, I gave mall to s. You are the one who has chosen to walk away for reasons that you will not be honest about. I am just a Fool For Loving You. Now, just to clarify… I have not accused him of sleeping with her. I asked him a while back if there’s something going on between the two of them and he told me know. I specifically asked him this morning if he was in love with her. To me, this is a very different question. You can be in love with someone without ever having anything actually going on.So my response to her was:

Apparently just so he can make a fool of me. I have subcontractor so it will not look me in the eye anymore because of the lies that he has told. If those people only knew the truth about him, things to be different. However I like to think that maybe I’m better than that.I may be just a just a fool for loving you but you’re just a fool for not loving me back.

Just a Fool

Have you ever wondered why you’re such a fool? I can honestly say yes, I have wondered that a lot lately. Probably not more than I did tonight.

The female best friend that he has left me and moved in with messaged me this evening:

Now, just to clarify… I have not accused him of sleeping with her. I asked him a while back if there’s something going on between the two of them and he told me know. I specifically asked him this morning if he was in love with her. To me, this is a very different question. You can be in love with someone without ever having anything actually going on. So my response to her was

Wow… it just keeps getting more and more interesting.

So who knew having a best friend, regardless of gender, could be such a big deal? Good God, how could I be such a fool?

Missing Picture 

He texts me Sunday morning and says “Happy Mother’s Day”. I’m shocked (& a little ticked off) but respond with “Thanks”. Then he sends this:

 So I respond as honestly as possible:

It’s been crickets since. I’ve noticed a particular picture he’d posted of the two of us on Instagram has recently been removed. It was a more intimate type photo (not sexual) where we were cutting up in bed one night and took selfies. He ended up posting it with a caption saying something like “just hanging with my best friend. ”

He did this after a conversation we’d had one evening about how I was okay with him still being friends with his female best friend. However, I also told him during this conversation that I had hoped one day I would become his best friend. That I think that was what a relationship should be.

Of course, he moved in with her a few weeks back. Now the picture has disappeared. So I’ve texted him this morning, asked him point blank if he’s in love with her. 

He called. He sounds like him. He’s calm and sounds like he cares. He tells me he is NOT in love with her, that he is in love with me… Only me. 
He deleted it in one off his fits of anger last weekend. He’s asked if I’ve completely given up. Told him I had not given up  a hundred percent but that I didn’t have much hope. He asked me to not give to completely yet.

Not

A friend called me yesterday see how I’m doing. She wanted to make sure I am okay. I told her I was.

I think I lied though. I don’t think I’m okay. I have very little strength and energy to do anything. Getting out of bed every day to go to work is a huge struggle. Now the weekend is here, and so far I’ve only found the strength to get out of bed for a few moments at a time.

The kids aren’t at home so it doesn’t really matter. I can binge watch Netflix to try ignoring the pain or the emptiness. I know I need to go finish cutting grass. I should go work in my garden. I should sing, I have several projects in the works that need to be recorded. I should do something.

Depression is nothing new to me. It is something I’ve struggled with on and off at least most of my life, if not all of it. A lot of times, its onset can be for no reason at all. Life can be great but when that Darkness closes in on you, it’s hard to see the light.

I guess adding a broken heart into the mix is only making it more difficult. Right now I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until I wake up with no pain, no emptiness, no anger, no regret, with some motivation, with the urge to do something…anything.

Right now, nothing I love to do is of any interest to me. Singing is my passion, usually. Gardening is my therapy, usually. Nature is like my church, but not today. 

Today I’m just letting the darkness encompass me. It’s not that I have given up, it’s just that I don’t have the energy to fight right now. And that makes me very, very sad. 

I hope someone says a prayer for me. I hope God is even listening.

Why do I love you?

After a day like today, I asked myself why do I love you? All I can feel after seeing you today is hurt and anger and remorse for ever falling in love with you. So then why do I love you?

After all, you’re the addict who has fabricated scenarios that never existed. You’ve accused me of doing things that I have never done. You have cursed me and called me names. You’ve turned me into the devil. Why would I want to love somebody like that?

The answer is simple: I don’t want to love anybody like that. Unfortunately, I do. I love the you that isn’t a complete a****** to me. I love the you that looks at me the way that I look back at you. I love the you that is kind and sees a future with me. I love the you that loves me. I just don’t know where he went.

Perhaps that’s not completely true. It seems when you went on your meth binge, you’ve never quite been the same. I know that I accepted at the very beginning that you had this drug in your life. You assured me that you were functioning and I told you as long as it did not affect us in our life then I would accept it. However, I was naive.

You are an addict and I was stupid to think that maybe you weren’t. Even so, I chose to love you in spite of what I knew. This is not my first rodeo with an addict. I know it’s a long road and it’s a tough one. It’s one I thought I could handle if I handled it with love.

Again, I was naive. Your addiction has caused delusions that I don’t know how to explain to you. It’s hard for me to try and make you understand the things you believe are real when they just aren’t.

You hate me for things that I haven’t done and it’s killing me. Yet you deny that it has any effect on me whatsoever. It’s like you live in your own little universe, where the things that you do don’t affect anybody else.

However, they do have an effect on others. When you told me you loved me, I believed you. I chose to love you in return. And my payment for that is a broken heart. I’m busy picking up the pieces of what you and your drugs have left behind. I wish I wasn’t so stupid.

I know you don’t believe it but I miss you so much! Not the hateful you, but the you I fell in love with. The one that filled every need I had. The one who completed the voids that I never thought could be completed.

Yeah, I suppose I’m really stupid. I suppose I’m the fool. Why the hell would I think that true love actually existed?

At least in the end, I know for a fact that I absolutely gave my all. There have been other relationships in the past that I have held back and I blame myself because they failed. This one is not my fault. I gave my all. I gave you my heart. I opened my soul to you. And you crushed me.

Dealing with Life 

Have you ever been too sad and/or too angry to verbalize your feelings?

That’s where I am. I’m a big, knotted up, angry, sad mess right now and I’m okay with that.  So far not a day has gone by that I haven’t cried. Of course, I’ve only teared up so far today so they water works may be held at bay for a day.  Wouldn’t that be nice???

Dealing with hurt is never easy for anyone. When we are kids, we turn to our parents (or parental figure) for comfort until we learn how to cope on our own. Even as am adult, it would be nice to have that same comfort when the emotional pain is so severe. 

I suppose that’s why I pray. See, even as a kid I didn’t really have that parental (or parental figure) to turn to for comfort. I had God. So no matter how far from him I have strayed in my life, He’s always been there for me and let me lean on Him when my heart is broken. 

That’s a true support system. But it is one that takes faith and in times of heartbreak, it can be very difficult to have much faith, if any at all. However, if you can find just a little faith in Him, I guarantee it’s worth it. 

My faith is tested when things don’t happen as I prayed that they would or turn out how I felt they should. When this happens, my initial reaction is anger, disappointment, and frustration. 

Then I’m reminded that just because it didn’t happen the way I thought it should or when I thought it should, does it mean that God didn’t answer my prayer. It’s then that my faith is tested even more as I have to just understand that God is doing everything in his time, in his way.

Now, I know it may sound like I’m preaching. I’m really not. I’m just putting out there the way that I am able to get through a lot of my struggles. As I’ve said before, I am not a religious person. However, I am very grateful that I have a higher power that I can look too. I am blessed to have someone bigger than me that I can throw my problems on when they are too big for me to handle.

Heartbreak 

He left in such a hurry last night that I was concerned about him. So I waited little over an hour and then texted him. I told him that I missed him and it hoped you  would be able to stay  and that I love him  and also to please let me know that he was safe. No response.

I wait a little bit, I try to call. He doesn’t answer so I leave a voicemail (something I don’t usually do). I wait a little bit more, send him another text. No response. Anyway, you get the gist of where this is going.

Until finally, the crazy texts start. As usual, I have no idea what went wrong. What I do know is that the man that I love is nowhere to be found. He randomly appears, tricking me into feeling like things might be able to get back to normal. But just as quickly, he is gone and I’m left with the emotional torment that comes from this other person that had taken him over.

It’s killing me to know that I have no future with this man. I will try to get the strength this week to pack up the rest of his stuff so he can pick it up next weekend. Mourning the loss of someone who is still alive and who holds your heart is so damned tough!

I saw a pin that said: 

I wasn’t trying to fix him but I was trying to stand by him while he fixed himself. And I have been cut up on his shattered pieces. I know right now I feel like a broken person because of my broken heart. But the unfortunate reality for him is that he is truly the broken one.

I am a strong person, a Survivor, a Fighter.

Right now I’m doing with anyone with a broken heart would do: I am licking my wounds and morning this loss. I am crying a lot. When I am not crying, I am trying to sleep so I don’t cry. But then I just cry some more. 

It sounds pathetic but it won’t last forever. Like they say, this too shall pass, right? God, I sure hope so.