Have you ever thought that something was hopeless? Have you ever thought yourself a fool? Or even worse, have you ever thought that someone you love is lost just something that you cannot pull them back from?
That’s what meth addiction does.
It allows the addict to take a hiatus, thinking that maybe they have broken free from this demon. Until one day, this person that you love so much comes home and is no longer the person you know but the a****** he previously had to deal with. He swears, of course, that he is not using. But every fiber in your being tells you that he is lying.
His whole demeanor has changed. He doesn’t even look the same, walk the same. It’s like he has been possessed and it’s a whole different person. You try to talk to him about it. Unfortunately, he denies everything.
He doesn’t sleep that night. Apparently, in his mind that is okay. He doesn’t seem to understand that normal people don’t stay up for 24, 48, 36 hours at a time.
He blames me. He claims the antidepressants that he is on are because I forced him to go on them. He claims that because the doctor has switched his antidepressant, he now has changed. However, I have been on anti-depressants myself. I know what they do to you. I’ve also seen what meth does to you. This is not due to the antidepressants.
So I had two of my three kids in here with us tonight. He has been off-kilter for almost a week now. My son was chatting with us. I got up to go to the restroom and accidentally booty bumped my son. It was no big deal really, just an accident.
Somehow, he heard that I had been scratched up at a lake from my son and then thought I kicked my son as I was going to the restroom – kicked him because “he was saying something I didn’t want him to say”.
To backtrack a little, my youngest one dislocated and broke her arm this week. So any extra time I have had has been spent with her. It has either been with her at the house, at the emergency room, at the hospital, at the orthopedic, or in surgery. Somehow, in his meth-induced illusions, I have time in all of this to hang out with a bunch of guys at a lake. There are apparently bite-marks above my boobs (which I cannot see).
He would not believe my son when he asked him, interrogated him, about it. He claims that I am just asking my kids to lie for me. I tried to talk to him but he refuses to listen to any kind of reasoning. He insisted on interrogating my son. So I told him to leave.
I wish someone could explain to me why my love is not enough for him to actually quit. I was willing to work through this with him, stand by him through this, regardless of the hell he is put me through! All he had to do is be honest with me. But when I knew he had relapsed and asked him about it, he has done nothing but lie the entire time. Even tonight, when his eyes were dilated, bright red, he was doing his strange walk with his crazy eyes and constantly looking around, he still refused to admit that he was still using ( or head going back to using.)
He had been doing so good. I know, most of you are probably thinking that he was probably using this whole time but there is a difference in personality when sober. We started having major problems over the last week because of his personality changes. It wasn’t like a mood change because of stress. It was very distinctive. I knew he had succumbed to the demon.
Now he has left and I can never let him return again. I am heartbroken and devastated that I cannot allow that to be a part of my life, or more importantly, a part of my children’s life. This man that I am sure I was supposed to be with finds his love of meth more important than his love for me.