After a day like today, I asked myself why do I love you? All I can feel after seeing you today is hurt and anger and remorse for ever falling in love with you. So then why do I love you?
After all, you’re the addict who has fabricated scenarios that never existed. You’ve accused me of doing things that I have never done. You have cursed me and called me names. You’ve turned me into the devil. Why would I want to love somebody like that?
The answer is simple: I don’t want to love anybody like that. Unfortunately, I do. I love the you that isn’t a complete a****** to me. I love the you that looks at me the way that I look back at you. I love the you that is kind and sees a future with me. I love the you that loves me. I just don’t know where he went.
Perhaps that’s not completely true. It seems when you went on your meth binge, you’ve never quite been the same. I know that I accepted at the very beginning that you had this drug in your life. You assured me that you were functioning and I told you as long as it did not affect us in our life then I would accept it. However, I was naive.
You are an addict and I was stupid to think that maybe you weren’t. Even so, I chose to love you in spite of what I knew. This is not my first rodeo with an addict. I know it’s a long road and it’s a tough one. It’s one I thought I could handle if I handled it with love.
Again, I was naive. Your addiction has caused delusions that I don’t know how to explain to you. It’s hard for me to try and make you understand the things you believe are real when they just aren’t.
You hate me for things that I haven’t done and it’s killing me. Yet you deny that it has any effect on me whatsoever. It’s like you live in your own little universe, where the things that you do don’t affect anybody else.
However, they do have an effect on others. When you told me you loved me, I believed you. I chose to love you in return. And my payment for that is a broken heart. I’m busy picking up the pieces of what you and your drugs have left behind. I wish I wasn’t so stupid.
I know you don’t believe it but I miss you so much! Not the hateful you, but the you I fell in love with. The one that filled every need I had. The one who completed the voids that I never thought could be completed.
Yeah, I suppose I’m really stupid. I suppose I’m the fool. Why the hell would I think that true love actually existed?
At least in the end, I know for a fact that I absolutely gave my all. There have been other relationships in the past that I have held back and I blame myself because they failed. This one is not my fault. I gave my all. I gave you my heart. I opened my soul to you. And you crushed me.