A friend called me yesterday see how I’m doing. She wanted to make sure I am okay. I told her I was.
I think I lied though. I don’t think I’m okay. I have very little strength and energy to do anything. Getting out of bed every day to go to work is a huge struggle. Now the weekend is here, and so far I’ve only found the strength to get out of bed for a few moments at a time.
The kids aren’t at home so it doesn’t really matter. I can binge watch Netflix to try ignoring the pain or the emptiness. I know I need to go finish cutting grass. I should go work in my garden. I should sing, I have several projects in the works that need to be recorded. I should do something.
Depression is nothing new to me. It is something I’ve struggled with on and off at least most of my life, if not all of it. A lot of times, its onset can be for no reason at all. Life can be great but when that Darkness closes in on you, it’s hard to see the light.
I guess adding a broken heart into the mix is only making it more difficult. Right now I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until I wake up with no pain, no emptiness, no anger, no regret, with some motivation, with the urge to do something…anything.
Right now, nothing I love to do is of any interest to me. Singing is my passion, usually. Gardening is my therapy, usually. Nature is like my church, but not today.
Today I’m just letting the darkness encompass me. It’s not that I have given up, it’s just that I don’t have the energy to fight right now. And that makes me very, very sad.
I hope someone says a prayer for me. I hope God is even listening.