Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your heart is just too big or if you’re just a glutton for punishment.

Friday was a wonderful day! The man on the other end of the phone was the man that I fell in love with. He was back. He asked me to meet him after work and so I agreed. We met at the park where we had our first date.

Everything was wonderful! He was him again. He apologized to me. He hugged me, kiss me, he held my hand, he held me. He just loved me at that moment and I could feel it. He reminded me that he had told me early on that he would marry me one day. He told me that nothing had changed, that he still wanted to marry me.  I smiled and promised not to burn my wedding dress just yet. He told me that he had never wanted me to take my engagement ring off . He told me that all the things that he had been saying we’re horrible and that he had not meant them, that it wasn’t him. We went and had dinner afterwards but I decided it was best for us to go our separate ways for the evening.

We had agreed that on Saturday, he would come to my daughter’s graduation banquet and then stay the evening so I could take him to meet up with some guys heading to Talladega on Sunday morning. We also agreed that if it anytime he felt his demons coming on, that he would go sleep in his truck. All night Friday night and all day Saturday, all I could think of is how excited I was that the man I love was coming home! 

Then he walks in Saturday evening…

He walked into the room then immediately grabbed me and kissed me. He kissed me multiple times. It was like he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. It was wonderful to see him but he seemed a little off, almost like he was struggling to be so upbeat which made him act in an over-the-top manner. I wasn’t sure if he had been drinking or if he had been using but as usual, I hope for the best and we piled in the car to leave.

The demons were slowly creeping in and I could tell. I looked out the front door to make sure the porch light was on and he immediately said I was checking to see  if the coast was clear and then left. I missed my turn which he found to be very suspicious, saying I should get my story straight. The lump in the back of my ponytail caused questions too. I quietly asked him several times on that 10 minute ride over if he was okay. He said he was.

All during the banquet, he was not him. At first, I had my hand on his knee as I so often do when we’re at a table together. After only a few minutes, he starts eating away from me. I snapped at him and said “well then” to which he responded “I was just moving, it’s nothing personal.”

The evening continues like this. I would try to speak to him, he would give me one or two word answers. He refused to eat his food saying he wasn’t hungry. I would tell him what me and my uncle were laughing about but he would just give me this blank stare. If it’s like I can only brush your mind, he would move further away, refusing to touch me.

We get back to the house and he doesn’t even come inside. He really gets out of my vehicle and into his own. He says “we agreed that if it then wasn’t right we just call it. So I’m leaving.” I tried to get him to talk to me for just a second but he refuses. So I stand there flabbergasted and watch the man I love leave me again.

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