So I had a friend who has known me for 15+ years talk with me this morning. She works with me now and while she doesn’t know all of the details, she knows enough. She has witnessed my pain each day for a while now but said when I walked in the door last week, I looked like I was just simply defeated.
She tried to comfort me by telling me that he is an addict (her husband is too) and that it’s not my fault (much like my other good friend has been reminding me). She then said something that really hit home with me.
In all of the years she has known me, she said in every relationship I’ve ever been in, there has always been a wall of some sort up with whoever I was in the relationship with. She’s right about this.
She said you let your guard down completely this time and let this man in.
I did. I absolutely did. I let him into the deepest parts of my soul. I let him see all of me for who I am: the good, the bad, the ugly, the vulnerable, the loving, the hating, the everything.
Now my heart is completely broken. I see him and I just crumble inside. I have never loved anyone like this, didn’t even know it was possible. I know that I’ll never love like this again. For one thing, I’m not sure you can ever love more than one person so completely and openly. If soul mates were real, I think he’d be mine.
All of this being said, walls are there for a reason. Throughout history, walls were built to protect societies from being taken over by invaders. But they also always seemed to come down at one point or another. The Walls of Jericho, the Berlin Wall, The Great Wall of China (okay, this one is MOSTLY still there but even sections of it are missing or in shambles).
Walls are also a defense mechanism your body builds to protect you from such intense pain and heartache. This is something I have always taken great comfort in having. But just like many walls throughout history, somehow mine came down and my heart was invaded by his. I don’t know how or why it happened. I don’t think he ever had bad intentions… he let his walls down too which is probably why it was easy for me to let mine down. Peas and carrots… that was us…. peas and carrots without our walls protecting us.