So many thoughts, so much heartache.

He came by to pick up some of his things last night.  He might be clean from meth but he is drinking pretty heavily.  As one can imagine, it did not go real well.  He spent a good bit of his time searching for evidence that “he” (the phantom I’ve been sleeping with) had been in the house. He even went as low as to look through my kitchen trash… I spent my time crying and answering him.  Crying, which according to him I wasn’t really doing.  Even when I took his finger to wipe my tears with it and said “then what is this?” his response as he wiped his hand was “Nothing.”  The devil was back.

“You let him wear my shirt?!?”  My response: “Smell the shirt, it’s clean or worse case, I wore it to bed but if it came from that basket, it’s clean.”  “It doesn’t smell like you!  You let him wear my shirt!”  I smell the shirt.  Smell like Gain laundry detergent.  So I tell him that it’s clean and ask him to smell it again.  “It smells like him!” and he flings it down.

Belts of mine in the bathroom: I’ve been tied up with them.  Underwear drawers open: I must be wearing underwear for him. His shirts on the bed that I’ve been sleeping in/with: “No you haven’t.” Sleep mask that was in a laundry basket: “Oh he blindfolded you with this”. Shirt in the basket: “bathing suit you’ve been wearing.”  Even my wedding dress was a lie to him: “You said you ordered this from China, the tags are in English.  You’re a f****** liar.” This goes on and on.  He asks several times for the ring back as he’s leaving the bedroom but never actually retrieves it.  I actually have a moment of sympathy for the friend who is helping him collect his things because he is having to witness a lot of this – can he see that his friend has lost his mind?  When finally leaves, I’m again left sobbing.

But only for a bit.  I turned on Netflix to watch “Last Man Standing”.  I was able to focus on this and thought “Hey, I’m getting better!”  Until my son calls to find out what I’d like for dinner.  I tell him I’m not hungry and his response was “Oh, so I guess he did come by.”  I get off the phone and cry some more.  Who knew I had an endless supply of tears?


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