So I broke my promise to him. I finally told a friend. He’ll likely never forgive me when he finds out. At least this time he’ll hate me for something real. 

Talking to a friend was actually very helpful…

She’s angry with me, of course. I mean, I just lied to her the other day while trying to cover up a crazy phone call she’d received from him (I blamed it on him being sick and taking too much cough medicine.) But in her anger, she was still there for me.

“He’s sick.” “He’s an addict and needs help.” “It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he’s an addict.” “You are in over your head.” “You can’t help him.”

Okay, so these are things I know but having someone tell you this, someone who knows you,  is more helpful than I would have thought. She’s right in all those things.  He does  need help but I can’t do it by myself, I’m in over my head. 

I want so desperately for him to get better. I miss the man I fell in love with. I want my future with him back. But as she reminded me that I have to take care of my family.

My dilemma is that I made him my family too and don’t want to abandom him. I guess I’m not. I’m here should he actually reach out. I just have to be sure I’m taking care of me and the kids first. I’ve mentioned him getting help, even just to see about anxiety meds for a while to help, but he thinks he can do this on his own. I hope he’s right. 

Now while he (hopefully) continues his road to recovery, now mine must begin. Mine’s much different and is actually more of a road to forgiveness. I have to forgive him for all of the pain he’s inflicted on me. But I think that will be easier than forgiving myself for allowing him to. 

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