Throughout the various times of trials and tribulations in my life, I always try to look at myself – regardless what the situation is – in hopes of improving myself and hopefully becoming an overall better person.  So in this situation, throughout my research on meth addiction, the word “codependency” kept coming up which has me looking really deep and asking a lot of questions about myself.

According to Merriam-Webster:

Definition of codependency

  1. :  a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (such as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly :  dependence on the needs of or control by another

Is this what I have become?  Did I become codependent because I loved him and wanted to stand by him?  Does loving someone make you codependent?  Does it make you weak? Is there any honor in trying to do what you feel is the right thing for the person you love, even if it means living in hell for a period?

I almost think the definition may depend on the outcome of the situation. If things had gotten better and he had been able to overcome the devil inside of him, would I then be considered codependent or would I have just been the woman that stood beside him on his trip through hell?  Then I would have just been labeled a strong woman for being able to put up with and/or survive this with him.

But since I failed at helping him and standing beside him, I think that means everything that transpired means I was codependent.  I didn’t want him to leave.  I wanted him to get better.  I wanted my old fiance back.  I wanted to suffer with him if it meant we’d have a long, happy life together.  In my eyes, everything would be worth it once we pulled through this together.

Together because I committed myself to this man.  I committed to be his partner, his best friend, his other half.  Therefore, I planned to stand beside him until the end – which I guess I did, I just didn’t realize it would be so soon.  So am I codependent?

I look at myself as one of the most independent women out there and have prided myself in that fact.  But when the two of us got together, I was glad to have a partner, someone I could depend on.  It was comforting to feel his arms around me at the end of a long day (or any day for that matter).  I felt safe, secure, and loved.  Is that wrong?  Surely love does not make you codependent although I can see where it could.

Yes, I can live my life without him but no, I do not want to.  I love this man and pray to God he gets the help he needs to fully recover.  He may never see past the devil’s sister his mind has turned me into and that kills me on the inside.  But when it is all said and done, maybe our love meant something to him.  It has definitely meant the world to me, he means the world to me.

When you let your guard down enough to be vulnerable with another human being, when you allow yourself to fall in love, you have to depend on them.  You have to depend on them not to hurt you, depend on them not to mock you, depend on them to have your back, depend on them to not leave, depend on them to love you in return.  So if loving someone means that you are codependent, then so be it.

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