Life can be confusing under the best of circumstances.  There’s always a voice of doubt, a gut instinct, or what you may think is a gut instinct but it’s just fear… anyway, it can be confusing.  Then add in a relationship in turmoil with someone who in recovery who’s not sure what he wants because he can’t get past what is not real and you have a whole other level of confusion mixed with a lot of hurt and pain.

I really would not want to be in his shoes right now.  If he truly loved/loves me, then what he is going through is just as much hell as he is putting me through.  Think about it, you have memories of the woman you love stepping out on you – and not just cheating – but sneaking out in the middle of the night for S&M orgies and such.  All the things he has imagined are real to him.  How do you get someone to understand that you aren’t that person and that what they have seen, they didn’t really see because it really didn’t happen.  That’s a hell all it’s own to have experienced a reality that is not reality.

So then I sit back today and wonder about his mixed messages that he’s admitted he might be giving.  I’m trying to understand that if I were in his shoes, I might be doing the same thing.  If I thought I knew something about him but it was not true, would I be able to move past it.  Perhaps.  But perhaps not.  So then are we going to be able to move forward in our relationship?  I guess only time will tell.

We fought some more last night.  It was mostly me grasping for something: assurance we weren’t over, closure if we were, something to ease my pain.  I thought he made it clear he was done so I told him that he was wrong when he said that I still wanted to be with him.  I explained that I didn’t want to be with this version of him but if the man that I love who loved/loves me returns to let me know.

Today he has said he really did believe that I would be the one he’d grow old with but that this last month hasn’t been worth a s***.  He said he wants to start over and go back to the days when I was the girl he’d drive hours for just to see for a few minutes, that he wants to feel like it’s me and him against the world.  He wants to do good at his job and come home where he can feel at home.  All things that I want as well.

So why are we struggling?!?  Because of this f****** drug that has messed with him.  I don’t know that he’ll ever see that.  He thinks I’m just throwing it in his face that he used. The reality is that I just want him to see that maybe, MAYBE the drug has messed with his perception at times and maybe some of his “reality” isn’t so real.

Maybe the mixed messages will become a little less jumbled.  I’m going to try to not be to hopeful (<— there’s that word again!) but maybe we can get beyond this – one way or another, for better or worse – maybe we’ll figure this thing out together to decide if we are going to survive this and continue planning our future together.

 

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