Despite his addiction and going against all my own rules, I accepted him with his disease of addiction and chose to love him. Yes, I chose to love him.
At any time, I could have pulled away, could have put up the usual walls. But I chose to love himand give him a real chance, give love a real chance.
Why? Why did I choose to put myself out there? Why did I allow myself to love therefore open myself up to hurt?
Because there’s a lot of good in this man. It’s a little difficult for me to remember that right now. But this man initially had so much love to offer. So all I had to do is accept it, right?
He was still haunted by all his demons of the past. Well, he is still haunted by them, may always be. But all of his passed hurts and pains made him want love, or so I thought.
I think perhaps I saw a lot of myself in him. At least a lot of my past self. That hurt little girl who could never quite get over all of life’s angst. In many ways, there was a lot of that little boy in him who had never gotten over all of his hurts. Life is been unfair to him and he can’t let that go.
It’s really a shame. Inside of him is a good man with a big heart. But this man is so full anger and resentment that it seems now he might not be able to love another. Maybe for a short period but nothing for the long-term.
So was I stupid for falling in love with a man who was so damaged? Maybe. Maybe I thought that he was closer to healing the wounds of his past. Or maybe I was just in denial and knew all along that he was damaged goods. I still don’t think he’s damaged beyond repair though.
At least I hope he’s not.
Not that it matters for our relationship at this point. He wants nothing to do with me and has shown zero desire to try and salvage any part of this relationship.
His longtime female best friend is single again. Makes me wonder… but it doesn’t matter. The fact is that he does not want to be with me. The fact is, I just want to quit feeling the hurt that I allowed him to cause.
I also want him to get better. He has so much to offer but he doesn’t actually see it. It’s a shame. The two of us could have had a happy life together. I guess in the end, it doesn’t really matter though. Because unless he chooses to let go of his past, he’ll never have a future. And unless I choose to let go of this pain I may never have one either.
So it all the choices that have been made there’s still many more to come. I just have to come to terms with the fact that my choices and his choices are no longer intertwined.