“Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”  Such a great line from Joker in Batman.  I don’t know that I ever fully understood the meaning of it.  Well, until last night.

I saw the devil last night.  I’m not sure but he must have fallen off the wagon yesterday OR maybe this could be part of the meth psychosis that I read may take a while to go away.  Either way,  things went from bad to worse to even worse.  I didn’t know this man last night.  Today, I’m finding it hard to forgive him.

He accused me of anything and everything.  Yelled at me.  Called me names.  Got in my face.  Left.  Came back.  Yelled some more.  Accused me more.  Got in my face.

I snapped.

It was all I could do to keep my sanity, what little was still there at that moment.  I started screaming at him, right in his face, that I had not done anything wrong.  He then starts yelling for me to hit him.  “Just hit me!  I want you to f****** hit me!  HIT ME DAMN IT!!!”  He followed me around the room telling me to hit him as I just broke.

My spirit broke.

I never hit him but I sobbed out of anger, sadness, and hopelessness, shaking uncontrollably.  I’m not sure that I have ever felt that way before.  He starts apologizing.  I tell him to check on my little one (12 year old) but she had left with her sister (18 years old).

We scared her.

He was calm for a minute or two but then hell came back full force.  He starts accusing and yelling in my face again.  Throws a shirt in my face several times – this is now the shirt that I wore the night that I supposedly left in the middle of the night to f*** the phantom in his truck – which is different than the shirt he originally said which is different from the shirt from the other day.


He then starts talking about the Magnums that my 17 year old son had thrown away several months ago that suddenly were my Magnums and definitely means I’m hooking up with a black guy.  Yep, here comes the name calling again.  Bitch.  Whore.  I tell him to get out.  He tells me to delete his kids off of my social media.  He grabs clothes and leaves. He calls, I answer only to hear him raising his voice so I hung up.  He calls right back but I reject the call with a text saying “You have thrown away the best thing either of us could ever have.”  He comes back.

Now it’s just the sinister laugh he gets when he’s like this and his go to phrase of “It’s all good”.  He sits for a minute and then decides to go grab the clothes he’d taken but sees my son on his way.  Instantly, he starts talking about the Magnums.

“Should I ask him?”


“So those Magnums were yours???”  My son looks really confused so I chime in with “Remember the bag of trash he took for you where they flew out?”

So my boy says, “Yeah, they were mine.”

More sinister laughter.  “REALLY???”  So I told my son to show whatever condom he had in his wallet, which was (drum roll please) a MAGNUM!!!

Well, this sends fiance into fits of highly inappropriate things to say (very loudly) to my son.

“Really?  You must be hung to your knees boy!”  “Wow, you must have a huge d***!” “Congrats man, only well hung guys use Magnums”  “You must have a really big d*** then!”  Well, you get the picture.  No matter how many times I told him that’s enough, he continued on.

My son, sensing something is WAAYYY off (my kids did not know about the addiction or the recovery efforts) would not leave the room but stayed right there beside me until fiance decided to (thankfully) leave.  Then I had to explain a little bit to my son about what was going on.

He came back last night but after my bottle of wine and hours of crying, so I went to bed.  We did not talk.  I’m still very, VERY angry today.  He not only drug me through hell this time, but now he’s involving my children.  Unacceptable.  Absolutely UNACCEPTABLE.

He asked me to talk earlier today.  However, I told him that while we need to talk, we were not doing it over text or while I’m at work.

The sad thing is that when we do talk, I don’t know yet who it’ll be.  Will it be the man I love or the devil?  I saw the devil last night, came nose to nose with him.  That is something I don’t want to do again.


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