Ever just lash out because you’ve had enough?  Well, after we left the restaurant the way we did, I blasted these emotionally driven texts to him…

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…And then I dried my face, put make up on to try hiding the crying puffiness/redness, and went to band practice.

I ignored my phone for the most part during the two-hour practice.  He texted but I decided I was NOT going to allow him to ruin any more of my evening and that I would look at them all afterwards.  He called a couple of times but I ignored those too for the same reason.  Why make a spectacle in front of my band mates and let them all see that we were having problems – something that nobody, except my children, know.

Halfway through practice, I take a moment and glance at the last text he sent to me.  He says he is still bringing his daughter to stay the night with us Friday (our daughters are around the same age and really love hanging out together) and that he is coming home because “we can’t grow together apart”.  I say it’s a good plan.  He then tells me he is sorry that he is “always stirring the pot and making an issue when there’s not one” and asks for my forgiveness.

We get home and climb into bed with the TV still on.  All seems to be good.  He is holding me, I’m holding him.  We are both starting to relax to go to sleep so I turn the TV off.

The room is dark.  He starts fidgeting.  I look up at him and ask if he’s okay.  He is but continues to fidget and his head is darting in different directions as though he is looking at or for something.  Then he starts reaching behind me and sitting up a little in the bed but still claims he’s okay.  I’d hear him whisper different things like he was talking to someone.  When I asked him on one of them, his response was “I was just telling him sorry if my arm was in his way”.  Who???  “The guy behind you.”

So I asked him if he needed to go sleep on the couch, since it seemed all of his issues only occurred when he was with me.  He said that wasn’t true and that he’d be fine.  He pulled me a little tighter.

I turn the TV back on, told him I thought if he had light in the room then perhaps he’d be more comfortable.  He decided to get up and investigate for a minute and then came right back to bed.  His fidgeting settled enough for my exhaustion to settle down and I was able to go to sleep, leaving him to deal with his meth demons on his own.

He must have been able to win against them because I woke up to him snoring (thankfully) with the TV turned off.  Of course, the delusions were back this morning but he’s not as hateful about them.  He hasn’t texted anything nasty today and I’m hopeful (that word again!) that he is making some sort of progress.

It seems as though he is struggling but is beginning to understand that perhaps some of the things he experiences are not real.  Yesterday’s mishap with the extra person in my car laughing and doing things to me may have been helpful, as strange as that may seem.  I pray throughout each day that God helps us to both be strong enough to get through this.  And since I have begun putting all of this burden in His hands, things do seem to be getting better.  Even if the progress is only in baby steps, I’m finding the strength to hold on.

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