Last night was good.  He was sweet to me.  I could tell a few times that he was likely having suspicious thoughts but we continued with our good night. 

This morning was good. We cuddled, had morning sex, cuddled a few more minutes. Then he got up, got ready for work, and grabbed his stuff to leave. 

But I could see the darkness in him rising. I hugged him tightly and gave him a small kiss, telling him I hope he had a great day. He walked out saying “behave yourself today”. The comment alone did not bother me but his tone told me that the darkness was definitely rising to the surface.

Shortly after he left, the texts started.

He has had a smell in his truck for about 2 weeks. Now, he thinks someone has had sex in his truck and has left a dirty, sweaty sex smell in his truck. Guess who he blames?

So the hurtful texting has continued all morning. Fast forward to lunch time…

He called but I missed it so I called him back from my vehicle over the Bluetooth like I always do. He immediately wanted to know why he was on speaker. Told him I was in my car but no one was with me. I took him off of the Bluetooth and asked if that was better. He said no that it’s still echoed. I told him I could call him back, but he said no, that’s okay.”

 This me that he was calling because I sounded depressed or something. When I said “yes, I am”, he responded sarcastically with “yeah, you sound like it.” Then he needed to let me go. He starts yelling at me about how he doesn’t believe that I took him off speakerphone or believe that nobody else was in the car with me.

I tell him that whether or not he wants to believe it, that nobody else was there and he was off speaker,that I loved him, and would talk to him later. He then starts in with “you keep saying you love me but…” and I just lost it. 

Hanging up on people is not something I typically do. I consider it to be extremely disrespectful. However, when all two people are doing is yelling and screaming at each other at the top of their lungs, there may not be any other choice. So we both yelled at each other and I choked back tears, but I finally just told him I was hanging up and then did so.

Is there any hope left? I’m really not sure at this point. I saw the man that I loved last night. And it was wonderful! I caught a glimpse of him this morning before we got out of bed. But then monster has come back to life and has taken hold of him.

He did his last bit  of meth yesterday morning but he’s been like this consistently for a week or two with the delusions abd hallucinations. I keep researching how long meth psychosis will last. The answers I found ranged anywhere from a day or two to 3-6 months.  I want so much to be supportive of him abd to be there for him but I find it extremely difficult to make it through each day like this. How in the hell will I make it 3-6 months? Guess I have to try and hope it doesn’t last that long.

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