Just a Fool

Great, he sleeps peacefully even though I’ve sent him a link to this blog. That’s right, my completely Anonymous blog is now absolutely open to him.

“Why did you do it?” Some might ask.

Honestly, it was in a moment of anger & hurt. I sent him the link to this blog because I am so hurt, upset, and devastated buy the lies that he tells people about me and our relationship. I just wanted him to see that regardless of what he is fabricated in his mind, that I am not the devil or the devil sister. I am actually the person who has tried her best stand beside him.

Unfortunately, due to the lack of response since I have sent the link, I am certain that he has not been curious enough to even see what I had to say. Hell, why should he be? He has the woman he claims to not have any feelings for sharing a bedroom with him while he sleeps on the floor,the woman who is believing everything he is telling her, regardless of how big the LIE is.

She called me a b**** tonight simply because I called him to confront him on why he lied about how often he was seeing her. Apparently, she didn’t see there was a problem in him lying to me about it week end and week out of our relationship.

So maybe he’s finally getting what he actually wants. Perhaps they are able to comfort each other tonight. If that is the case, I’m certain it is a dream come true for him. Why else would you allow another person to call the woman you supposedly love a b**** for no apparent reason.

Yeah, I’m aware that I’m Just a Fool. I foolishly believed in a man who I thought was so much more than he actually is. I saw in this man someone great. I thought this man who had suffered as much if not more than I had a way more pure Spirit than you actually has.

It turns out that I should be way more cynical in my life. Men are probably not ever who they claim to be. They may tell you they love you. You may feel they will love and protect you forever. It’s all just a lie.

I thought I was a better judge of character than I actually am. I would have bet millions of dollars that I do not have that this man I agreed to marry was a good man. We work together. I have told my company that he is a good man. I have defended him Against All Odds. But for what?

I have subcontractors who refused to look me in the eyes anymore due to the lies he is told them. However, I still try to maintain a certain level of professionalism as well as Humanity and not discussing the main issues here. I actually don’t discuss any of the issues.

He is effectively trying to do everything you can to ruin my relationship and my reputation and my industry. The unfortunate fact is that I have done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve this kind of bullying. On the same token, anyone who knows much about me at all and knows that I don’t date just a date, I’m a very difficult person to get in touch with on a personal level, when I do let you win you should treasure that.

While I feel I am definitely a full and all of this, I’m not the only fool. He is such a fool to let me go. My boss mentioned to me the other day something about my self-worth. He wanted me to remember just how much myself out you was. Sometimes when you’re hurting you can forget that.

The fact is, as much as I may hate my boss sometimes, he made a very valid point. I am worth much more than I have allowed this man to make me feel. I hope to God I can pull myself out of the depression that comes way too easy for me and is compounded by the drama that I have allowed this man to bring into my life.

Well I am just another fully believed in your life, I also know that I tried. I gave my all to you, I gave mall to s. You are the one who has chosen to walk away for reasons that you will not be honest about. I am just a Fool For Loving You. Now, just to clarify… I have not accused him of sleeping with her. I asked him a while back if there’s something going on between the two of them and he told me know. I specifically asked him this morning if he was in love with her. To me, this is a very different question. You can be in love with someone without ever having anything actually going on.So my response to her was:

Apparently just so he can make a fool of me. I have subcontractor so it will not look me in the eye anymore because of the lies that he has told. If those people only knew the truth about him, things to be different. However I like to think that maybe I’m better than that.I may be just a just a fool for loving you but you’re just a fool for not loving me back.

Just a Fool

Have you ever wondered why you’re such a fool? I can honestly say yes, I have wondered that a lot lately. Probably not more than I did tonight.

The female best friend that he has left me and moved in with messaged me this evening:

Now, just to clarify… I have not accused him of sleeping with her. I asked him a while back if there’s something going on between the two of them and he told me know. I specifically asked him this morning if he was in love with her. To me, this is a very different question. You can be in love with someone without ever having anything actually going on. So my response to her was

Wow… it just keeps getting more and more interesting.

So who knew having a best friend, regardless of gender, could be such a big deal? Good God, how could I be such a fool?

Missing Picture 

He texts me Sunday morning and says “Happy Mother’s Day”. I’m shocked (& a little ticked off) but respond with “Thanks”. Then he sends this:

 So I respond as honestly as possible:

It’s been crickets since. I’ve noticed a particular picture he’d posted of the two of us on Instagram has recently been removed. It was a more intimate type photo (not sexual) where we were cutting up in bed one night and took selfies. He ended up posting it with a caption saying something like “just hanging with my best friend. ”

He did this after a conversation we’d had one evening about how I was okay with him still being friends with his female best friend. However, I also told him during this conversation that I had hoped one day I would become his best friend. That I think that was what a relationship should be.

Of course, he moved in with her a few weeks back. Now the picture has disappeared. So I’ve texted him this morning, asked him point blank if he’s in love with her. 

He called. He sounds like him. He’s calm and sounds like he cares. He tells me he is NOT in love with her, that he is in love with me… Only me. 
He deleted it in one off his fits of anger last weekend. He’s asked if I’ve completely given up. Told him I had not given up  a hundred percent but that I didn’t have much hope. He asked me to not give to completely yet.

Not

A friend called me yesterday see how I’m doing. She wanted to make sure I am okay. I told her I was.

I think I lied though. I don’t think I’m okay. I have very little strength and energy to do anything. Getting out of bed every day to go to work is a huge struggle. Now the weekend is here, and so far I’ve only found the strength to get out of bed for a few moments at a time.

The kids aren’t at home so it doesn’t really matter. I can binge watch Netflix to try ignoring the pain or the emptiness. I know I need to go finish cutting grass. I should go work in my garden. I should sing, I have several projects in the works that need to be recorded. I should do something.

Depression is nothing new to me. It is something I’ve struggled with on and off at least most of my life, if not all of it. A lot of times, its onset can be for no reason at all. Life can be great but when that Darkness closes in on you, it’s hard to see the light.

I guess adding a broken heart into the mix is only making it more difficult. Right now I just want to sleep. I want to sleep until I wake up with no pain, no emptiness, no anger, no regret, with some motivation, with the urge to do something…anything.

Right now, nothing I love to do is of any interest to me. Singing is my passion, usually. Gardening is my therapy, usually. Nature is like my church, but not today. 

Today I’m just letting the darkness encompass me. It’s not that I have given up, it’s just that I don’t have the energy to fight right now. And that makes me very, very sad. 

I hope someone says a prayer for me. I hope God is even listening.

Why do I love you?

After a day like today, I asked myself why do I love you? All I can feel after seeing you today is hurt and anger and remorse for ever falling in love with you. So then why do I love you?

After all, you’re the addict who has fabricated scenarios that never existed. You’ve accused me of doing things that I have never done. You have cursed me and called me names. You’ve turned me into the devil. Why would I want to love somebody like that?

The answer is simple: I don’t want to love anybody like that. Unfortunately, I do. I love the you that isn’t a complete a****** to me. I love the you that looks at me the way that I look back at you. I love the you that is kind and sees a future with me. I love the you that loves me. I just don’t know where he went.

Perhaps that’s not completely true. It seems when you went on your meth binge, you’ve never quite been the same. I know that I accepted at the very beginning that you had this drug in your life. You assured me that you were functioning and I told you as long as it did not affect us in our life then I would accept it. However, I was naive.

You are an addict and I was stupid to think that maybe you weren’t. Even so, I chose to love you in spite of what I knew. This is not my first rodeo with an addict. I know it’s a long road and it’s a tough one. It’s one I thought I could handle if I handled it with love.

Again, I was naive. Your addiction has caused delusions that I don’t know how to explain to you. It’s hard for me to try and make you understand the things you believe are real when they just aren’t.

You hate me for things that I haven’t done and it’s killing me. Yet you deny that it has any effect on me whatsoever. It’s like you live in your own little universe, where the things that you do don’t affect anybody else.

However, they do have an effect on others. When you told me you loved me, I believed you. I chose to love you in return. And my payment for that is a broken heart. I’m busy picking up the pieces of what you and your drugs have left behind. I wish I wasn’t so stupid.

I know you don’t believe it but I miss you so much! Not the hateful you, but the you I fell in love with. The one that filled every need I had. The one who completed the voids that I never thought could be completed.

Yeah, I suppose I’m really stupid. I suppose I’m the fool. Why the hell would I think that true love actually existed?

At least in the end, I know for a fact that I absolutely gave my all. There have been other relationships in the past that I have held back and I blame myself because they failed. This one is not my fault. I gave my all. I gave you my heart. I opened my soul to you. And you crushed me.

Dealing with Life 

Have you ever been too sad and/or too angry to verbalize your feelings?

That’s where I am. I’m a big, knotted up, angry, sad mess right now and I’m okay with that.  So far not a day has gone by that I haven’t cried. Of course, I’ve only teared up so far today so they water works may be held at bay for a day.  Wouldn’t that be nice???

Dealing with hurt is never easy for anyone. When we are kids, we turn to our parents (or parental figure) for comfort until we learn how to cope on our own. Even as am adult, it would be nice to have that same comfort when the emotional pain is so severe. 

I suppose that’s why I pray. See, even as a kid I didn’t really have that parental (or parental figure) to turn to for comfort. I had God. So no matter how far from him I have strayed in my life, He’s always been there for me and let me lean on Him when my heart is broken. 

That’s a true support system. But it is one that takes faith and in times of heartbreak, it can be very difficult to have much faith, if any at all. However, if you can find just a little faith in Him, I guarantee it’s worth it. 

My faith is tested when things don’t happen as I prayed that they would or turn out how I felt they should. When this happens, my initial reaction is anger, disappointment, and frustration. 

Then I’m reminded that just because it didn’t happen the way I thought it should or when I thought it should, does it mean that God didn’t answer my prayer. It’s then that my faith is tested even more as I have to just understand that God is doing everything in his time, in his way.

Now, I know it may sound like I’m preaching. I’m really not. I’m just putting out there the way that I am able to get through a lot of my struggles. As I’ve said before, I am not a religious person. However, I am very grateful that I have a higher power that I can look too. I am blessed to have someone bigger than me that I can throw my problems on when they are too big for me to handle.

Heartbreak 

He left in such a hurry last night that I was concerned about him. So I waited little over an hour and then texted him. I told him that I missed him and it hoped you  would be able to stay  and that I love him  and also to please let me know that he was safe. No response.

I wait a little bit, I try to call. He doesn’t answer so I leave a voicemail (something I don’t usually do). I wait a little bit more, send him another text. No response. Anyway, you get the gist of where this is going.

Until finally, the crazy texts start. As usual, I have no idea what went wrong. What I do know is that the man that I love is nowhere to be found. He randomly appears, tricking me into feeling like things might be able to get back to normal. But just as quickly, he is gone and I’m left with the emotional torment that comes from this other person that had taken him over.

It’s killing me to know that I have no future with this man. I will try to get the strength this week to pack up the rest of his stuff so he can pick it up next weekend. Mourning the loss of someone who is still alive and who holds your heart is so damned tough!

I saw a pin that said: 

I wasn’t trying to fix him but I was trying to stand by him while he fixed himself. And I have been cut up on his shattered pieces. I know right now I feel like a broken person because of my broken heart. But the unfortunate reality for him is that he is truly the broken one.

I am a strong person, a Survivor, a Fighter.

Right now I’m doing with anyone with a broken heart would do: I am licking my wounds and morning this loss. I am crying a lot. When I am not crying, I am trying to sleep so I don’t cry. But then I just cry some more. 

It sounds pathetic but it won’t last forever. Like they say, this too shall pass, right? God, I sure hope so. 

Glutton

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if your heart is just too big or if you’re just a glutton for punishment.

Friday was a wonderful day! The man on the other end of the phone was the man that I fell in love with. He was back. He asked me to meet him after work and so I agreed. We met at the park where we had our first date.

Everything was wonderful! He was him again. He apologized to me. He hugged me, kiss me, he held my hand, he held me. He just loved me at that moment and I could feel it. He reminded me that he had told me early on that he would marry me one day. He told me that nothing had changed, that he still wanted to marry me.  I smiled and promised not to burn my wedding dress just yet. He told me that he had never wanted me to take my engagement ring off . He told me that all the things that he had been saying we’re horrible and that he had not meant them, that it wasn’t him. We went and had dinner afterwards but I decided it was best for us to go our separate ways for the evening.

We had agreed that on Saturday, he would come to my daughter’s graduation banquet and then stay the evening so I could take him to meet up with some guys heading to Talladega on Sunday morning. We also agreed that if it anytime he felt his demons coming on, that he would go sleep in his truck. All night Friday night and all day Saturday, all I could think of is how excited I was that the man I love was coming home! 

Then he walks in Saturday evening…

He walked into the room then immediately grabbed me and kissed me. He kissed me multiple times. It was like he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. It was wonderful to see him but he seemed a little off, almost like he was struggling to be so upbeat which made him act in an over-the-top manner. I wasn’t sure if he had been drinking or if he had been using but as usual, I hope for the best and we piled in the car to leave.

The demons were slowly creeping in and I could tell. I looked out the front door to make sure the porch light was on and he immediately said I was checking to see  if the coast was clear and then left. I missed my turn which he found to be very suspicious, saying I should get my story straight. The lump in the back of my ponytail caused questions too. I quietly asked him several times on that 10 minute ride over if he was okay. He said he was.

All during the banquet, he was not him. At first, I had my hand on his knee as I so often do when we’re at a table together. After only a few minutes, he starts eating away from me. I snapped at him and said “well then” to which he responded “I was just moving, it’s nothing personal.”

The evening continues like this. I would try to speak to him, he would give me one or two word answers. He refused to eat his food saying he wasn’t hungry. I would tell him what me and my uncle were laughing about but he would just give me this blank stare. If it’s like I can only brush your mind, he would move further away, refusing to touch me.

We get back to the house and he doesn’t even come inside. He really gets out of my vehicle and into his own. He says “we agreed that if it then wasn’t right we just call it. So I’m leaving.” I tried to get him to talk to me for just a second but he refuses. So I stand there flabbergasted and watch the man I love leave me again.

He’s back

He’s back today (Friday).  By saying “he’s back”, I mean the man on the other end of the phone is the man I love.  We are both sad that things have gone down the way they have but I think he is going to seek some help with his recovery, at least I hope so.

It’s so strange that even though my heart has shattered into a million and one pieces because of this man, I still only want him to find peace in his life.  I want him to kick this demon’s ass that has been on his back for so many years and be the man he is supposed to be.  Of course, I wanted him to go through all of this with me by his side but that’s just no longer in the cards.

You can only be there for somebody if they want you to be.  It’s difficult to understand that your partner doesn’t want you around because of his memories of his drug-induced delusions that he feels are real.  My brain is absolutely unable to comprehend this, just like his is unable to comprehend that those memories are false.

 

Walls

So I had a friend who has known me for 15+ years talk with me this morning.  She works with me now and while she doesn’t know all of the details, she knows enough.  She has witnessed my pain each day for a while now but said when I walked in the door last week, I looked like I was just simply defeated.

I am.

She tried to comfort me by telling me that he is an addict (her husband is too) and that it’s not my fault (much like my other good friend has been reminding me).  She then said something that really hit home with me.

In all of the years she has known me, she said in every relationship I’ve ever been in, there has always been a wall of some sort up with whoever I was in the relationship with.  She’s right about this.

BUT…

She said you let your guard down completely this time and let this man in.

I did.  I absolutely did.  I let him into the deepest parts of my soul.  I let him see all of me for who I am: the good, the bad, the ugly, the vulnerable, the loving, the hating, the everything.

Now my heart is completely broken.  I see him and I just crumble inside.  I have never loved anyone like this, didn’t even know it was possible.  I know that I’ll never love like this again.  For one thing, I’m not sure you can ever love more than one person so completely and openly.  If soul mates were real, I think he’d be mine.

All of this being said, walls are there for a reason.  Throughout history, walls were built to protect societies from being taken over by invaders. But they also always seemed to come down at one point or another.  The Walls of Jericho, the Berlin Wall, The Great Wall of China (okay, this one is MOSTLY still there but even sections of it are missing or in shambles).

Walls are also a defense mechanism your body builds to protect you from such intense pain and heartache.  This is something I have always taken great comfort in having.  But just like many walls throughout history, somehow mine came down and my heart was invaded by his.  I don’t know how or why it happened.  I don’t think he ever had bad intentions… he let his walls down too which is probably why it was easy for me to let mine down.  Peas and carrots… that was us…. peas and carrots without our walls protecting us.